In a State

2006-01-04T20:28:00.000-06:00

okay. i was looking forward to seeing laine, tyronne, tonya, adrienne, and celeste. tyronne died on complications in heart surgery in october... laine is working at whole foods in burley.i want better.

CHRIS L... PLEASE READ THIS

2005-09-01T12:27:00.000-05:00

My apartment was one block from the 7th street levee breech It's now under 24 feet of water. Everything of mine is gone.I'm dealing. I don't know how. I don't feel here all that much.Watching my city, my New Orleans, on TV is like watching a 3rd world country. To everyone out there who has seen the looters in the streets, the "niggers" of New Orleans... This is not a representation of New Orleans

2005-05-12T17:49:00.000-05:00

Testing my picture software.

it's over

2005-05-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

Today, I'm officially saying goodbye to Fleshwound. I'll let it float around, never really delete it. But a new law is in town called, "Lucid Things"You can reach me at my new html abode: http://hemplib.blogspot.comGoodbye, no more wounds for now.

2005-04-15T20:11:00.000-05:00

no more miss nice girl...sing goodbye to fleshwound, because the healing is all done.http://adaze.blogspot.com

2005-04-12T15:04:00.000-05:00

today, i learned... i could care less whether anything's capitolized right now. part of me is far too sucked up and dry to mannage using another damn finger to type.i'm hurting badly. my head aches. my stomach is knotted. my eyes are too inside of me head to be useful. air is stifled at the entrance of my nostrils. it's a mess.i hate illness. ailments beyond my control.

2005-03-31T22:10:00.000-06:00

I swear, it's like school vacations travel faster than the speed of light, because spring break came and it went.I'm still appreciative.Less than 2 months left of school.Quitting Roser's.I feel like I'm breathing unpolluted air now.

2005-03-28T20:28:00.001-06:00

Deux more months of school left.Dos more months of school left.Two more months of school left.I can't wait.Blaine and went for the Whole Food's job fair at the Hyatt on Wednesday. I know I didn't get a good interview in, but... if there be any sort of great power or something that could influence my chance in a positive way, sway sway sway away. I need to get out Kenner employment.Cristin's been

2005-03-28T20:28:00.000-06:00

2005-03-20T17:14:00.000-06:00

So much happier in the past few days, perhaps because there seems to have finally been a hole in the fabric of all this drama. Ohh, peace is all that I've wished for, and it appears hope does float somewhere... far sometimes but it goes somewhere.Spring break is next week, which means... sighing without feeling repressed by school for at least 8 days. Nice.House of Shock building is, well, now.

2005-03-16T00:45:00.000-06:00

Is it valid to ever think to yourself, today should be the day I give up? Too much care. Too much energy. Too much to be told that you're letting people "down," no use in dealing with "your shit," and that you take people out of their "comfort zone." People equal singular, since there's no use in truly explaining. Details mean nothing just I am beginning to see I guess I do too... mean nothing to

2005-03-13T16:35:00.000-06:00

Sometimes, I feel so useless when it comes to making him happy. It's all in a time where it's generally hard to smile, not because of anything in relation to us... but it all has to do with the world outside. So many sacrifices, so many words, so many tears shed, and what does everyone say to that? Fuck you. I'm sorry for the cynicism. His apologies were denied--which is no surprise, coming from

2005-03-08T21:49:00.000-06:00

The world has been turned upside down and all we want to do is make it right again. So we try.

2005-03-05T19:28:00.000-06:00

Been wondering if I should break away for a while. I feel too dependent these days. Tired and mentally drained. I don't think he realizes it, rather he makes excuses to not care. I don't know. I guess I'm burnt on so much lately. I can only say, I want some sort of maternal refuge yet not my mother. I don't feel consoled. I feel alone.

2005-02-23T17:27:00.000-06:00

Aldous Huxleys A Brave New World reinforces the idea that everyone has his or her own drug. Metaphorically, my drug is happiness and moreover Blaine. Ironic that in the time in which my life has somewhat gotten on a slower track, something negative creeps through the seams in the fabric of order. I sought chaos to relinquish me from the strict order of Catholic private school. When such anarchy

2005-02-19T17:05:00.000-06:00

Alright, so I'm using Sunday to catch up on school work. I have a file in the retention office for excessive absenses in MATH 1115, Algebra. I've got a math tutor now, and I'm seeing my teacher on Tuesday to discuss my standing in the class. Hopefully, if I'm as honest as ever, she'll have mercy on me, if I deliver on a guarrantee I'll do better. I really hope I can show her that I'm determined

2005-02-14T13:11:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentines Day! My friend, Vinnie turned 19 last Sunday, so I wanted to mention him. I hope he enjoyed himself. His sister, Marisa, turned 20 years old yesterday, and hopefully she got to live it up. I'm so happy--I recieved an A on my English paper pertaining to ecopsychology. I worked really hard on it; although, I believe it could've been so much better, an A! That truly perked me up for

2005-02-13T19:18:00.000-06:00

I hate school. I hate work. I hate everything that takes me away from anything I like.

2005-02-09T17:32:00.000-06:00

And it followed me everywhere, when I closed my eyes... it's subtle presense put the fear of infinite space into me... when I open my eyes... I discovered I was the creator this time. I The world shifted under the weight of my mind.

2005-02-06T03:32:00.000-06:00

I love and treasure smooth nights, where I didn't have to run any extra miles to fill time wisely.

2005-01-30T14:25:00.000-06:00

The very qualities that brought my downfalls as a kid seem to manifest themselves in some way into my adulthood. "Sometimes, I don't want to do anything for you" is a phrase that I've heard from several people. It's not that there's such a horrid thing about me that the phrase rings true, but I do have a limiting character flaw. I have the worst tunnel vision sometimes. I can't see beyond myself,

2005-01-27T11:26:00.000-06:00

Hey you, out there in the coldGetting lonely, getting old Can you feel me?Hey you, standing in the aislesWith itchy feet and fading smiles Can you feel me?Hey you, dont help them to bury the lightDon't give in without a fight.Hey you, out there on your ownSitting naked by the phone Would you touch me?Hey you, with you ear against the wallWaiting for someone to call out Would you touch me?Hey you,

2005-01-26T16:33:00.000-06:00

I feel so disillusioned right now. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t cried, but he’s “numb” to my tears. The sadness provoked by our issues means nothing to him. Lately, I’ve been trying to master rashness. When I feel I‘ve failed, I try desperately to swallow pride and apologize. I do apologize quite a bit. In return, I get three types of responses (types, not necessarily his words verbatim):

2005-01-23T21:00:00.000-06:00

He looks so entertained. Lately, my computer's been a bitch about explorer, so I've been using a seperate internet program to post. Hence, the reason behind the brief posts. I should slap myself on the wrist for Saturday night. I won't lie that I rolled again. The exception I made (which I know I shouldn't have made it) was because it was "yellow dolphins." I've heard a lot of good feedback on

2005-01-21T21:41:00.000-06:00

...I'll admit, I miss it. I push the feeling far back in my head, and swallow the craving in the back of my throat. I think I only miss it, because for the last three Fridays... I entertained my brain. *sigh* School's not so bad. It's challenging, but I invite it. The early mornings are however, icky.

2005-01-19T18:44:00.000-06:00

I love my fungus picture; therefore, I felt the necessity to utilize it. So far, not so bad. My classes look like they'll apparantly require work, but nothing back breaking. My only qualm from this entire week is that somehow, my pizza rolls disappeared before I could eat them. That is heart breaking.

2005-01-17T14:36:00.000-06:00

...fun must become censored again. School days are here again. Hello routine. Why? That's my question, seriously. Why? Why can't I be a genius, and be able to fly through school and work with ease; in addition, still have the chance to enjoy burning brain cells. Damn, the ways of the universe, and the necessity for balance between work and play.

2005-01-15T03:42:00.000-06:00

I can defy you, "pain." I'm tired of being your slave. I could never follow the leader, because I was inclined to step out of line. (1/14/2005) "Breathe. Breathe in the air..." - Pink Floyd "Breathe"

2005-01-14T12:39:00.000-06:00

Sara's avoiding me. There's a possibility that, that's not true; however, I asked her to promise me that we'd do something, anything before she returned to LSU. What's new in the human world? Nothing, people break promises all the time. Whatever. Teaches me nothing new.

2005-01-10T19:17:00.000-06:00

You scored as Wrath. Wrath63%Sloth63%Lust50%Pride50%Greed31%Gluttony25%Envy13% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

2005-01-08T23:43:00.000-06:00

Today, I think I wasted it away by merely breathing.

You spoke my words before you knew me

2005-01-06T11:26:00.000-06:00

I felt like I made way through a birth canal my whole New Year weekend. Truly, so much of my experience was a sort of rebirth with him, understanding him, knowing him… in ways I never let my mind do. It was the first time I found myself without any walls of self-protection and preservation, and somehow… I was okay. There was a “shittyness” right afterwards, when Sean and Blaine had to go back to

2005-01-04T12:01:00.000-06:00

Such images sort of danced behind my eyelids whenever I got the opportunity to spend time with Blaine. We went through for it, though. Well, he and Sean returned today, which sucks... because it's back to reality. Reality. I'm reluctantly coming, acknowledging that life sometimes is a hangover, but I'm somewhat anxious as well.

2005-01-04T01:38:00.000-06:00

There's something in my air. I could soak such an atmosphere. You instilled these memory-sewn yarn spirals in my head, focused my sight, and combed my hair. My eyes dazzled at your productivity and internal assets. When you finished your project, you returned to the demanding, non-understanding authority--these were two guilded children of a generation that apparantly saw more hashesh and

2005-01-03T08:49:00.000-06:00

See big. I had such a complete night.

2005-01-01T15:49:00.000-06:00

New Year. I've entered into the 2005 era. I'm part crazy right now. Not completely, but there's a level of thought right now that cannot be matched up with much else but crazy, pride, euphoria...I can't name it. Anxious Joy. Blaine's always "Floating on clouds." I guess I'm trying to be positive this year, main resolution...other than cutting down on bad food and start working out. Another Year.

2004-12-29T18:32:00.000-06:00

And so hell becomes our playground once more. We grow to flourish rapidly and vastly like flames engulfing every fiber of life. We explore the ruins of what was in a time of what when, and become immersed in the histories of nations. Hades spirits wrap furs around us, warming us with death beyond years. And we once died, when we were together. We came to life without each other. Do we liveworlds

2004-12-29T16:35:00.000-06:00

I denied the job at Muriels, because in calculating how much money Id be making, I realized Id be throwing it all away on safe parking (somewhat safe). Honestly, the job search is on hiatus until the new year is here, because the holiday season is a highly competitive time for work. Sucks. I still was/havent been able to buy any presents for anyone this Christmas. Never reached a low quite

2004-12-25T19:22:00.000-06:00

Christmas was great... I got everything I asked for... It snowed in New Orleans... And what did I do? Ruin it.

2004-12-24T14:31:00.000-06:00

Why do the best things in life have to come with such a dark side?

2004-12-24T14:27:00.000-06:00

December 24, 2004: "Last Sound" Clicking against the mild madness that we foster Freight train sounds the cold, dust air It's our getaway from each other We're so tired, our blood won't mingle We're so worn, our eyes won't see This is the sound that heart's make When they learn they won't grow, and This is the sound of a heart's break When age defies life, death is inevitable Even in love's form

2004-12-23T13:45:00.000-06:00

I'm at my parent's house, waiting...oh, waiting for Mary the Maid to get her ass over here and start dusting. Basically, today is my dad's business gift exchange, and I'm stuck house-sitting. Secretly, I'm hoping Mary doesn't show, so I can go home--do my laundry, flat-iron my hair, and get ready for Sara and Geo's Christmas dinner party. Can I get my fat ass to look cute tonight? Blaine and I

2004-12-20T19:18:00.000-06:00

Christmas is in five days, perhaps some sort of essential gift will come out of this season. I went with Blaine to two of his job application/interviews today. This was after a dramatic fight with Tiffany (not a true confrontation), but with such a mixture of stress, her insensitivity certainly did not aid me. Blaine did somewhat ease the familial blow. I was a red, puffy wreck. I have

2004-12-19T20:06:00.000-06:00

December 18, 2004: "My Knowledge is the Moon" Warmth has a solitude of its own Home, home, home, in a blanket of creed's clone I am here, in a dwelling, passing time I am here, brain's swelling, voiceless to find I have been here, too long and mindless Birthing and nurturing sadness, timeless The sun is setting The moon is bleeding I am headlong Starved feeding What's my title? Have I got a

2004-12-19T18:59:00.000-06:00

I feel like I need out. I feel like I am a huge financial burden to my parents, an emotional burden to my boyfriend, and a shadow to any of my friends (they're so gone, now). I don't want to be here anymore--the apartment, yet I don't want to go back to my parents' house. As far the future, I don't even have an inkling of what's happening anymore. Erratic, chaotic, out of control... everything

2004-12-18T18:05:00.000-06:00

You scored as Chaotic Good. A Chaotic Good person is someone who has little intrinsic respect for laws or authority, seeing them as insufficient to sustain what's right. These people work according to their own moral compass which, while good, is not necessarily always aligned with that of society. Despite their chaotic tendancies, these people are good at heart.Chaotic Good85%Lawful Evil60%

2004-12-16T19:57:00.000-06:00

TEN Random Things About Me 10. I haven't seen my natural hair color in eight years 09. I used to tie a black ribbon around my neck 08. I can barely cook Easy Mac 07. I have a bong named "Squid" 06. I still wear my senior sweater 05. I don't like chocolate all that much 04. I'm an in-the-closet romantic 03. I used to "borrow" money from my old work to buy myself something to drink 02. I embarrass

2004-12-16T01:25:00.000-06:00

I've made some progress. I was getting sick of the old layout, so here's my new layout. I definately downloaded this from another site. I'm done with being an expert HTML genius. I also got this program that allows me to put pictures on the site. Fun stuff. Talk about new toys, eh? Blaine's all over my thoughts tonight. Not necessarily a new occurance. Well, that's me thinking of him. I guess

2004-12-14T14:46:00.000-06:00

I've ditched my pediatrician for a new doctor, an adult doctor. I call him Dr. Weiner, because that is his name. Dr. Weiner made me lay down on the examination table. Dr. Weiner unclasped my bra. Dr. Weiner said, "Please lift your left arm." My left arm was in the air. Dr. Weiner put his cold, chilling hands on my boobie. Dr Weiner said, "That...is a normal breast." Thank you, Dr. Weiner. Edit

2004-12-09T21:13:00.000-06:00

There is such a darkness to general living. A rain cloud seems to hover over humanity; it's merely the idea of mortality. I never could understand how there could exist people who avoided thinking. Intellect comes with the process of mind. How is it that people can live, knowing they are temporary specs of dust amid a mortal biosphere, without allowing themselves to know art? Art isn't just

2004-12-09T19:20:00.000-06:00

You hurt me so much sometimes that I doubt whether I contain a worthy fiber. I'm a person that you can't understand, because you're not willing to expand your mind. Sometimes I think I can't live without you, and then there are these dark moments where I feel like you're murdering me. The only times I feel like I overwhelm you is when I put us on the line. You overwhelm me on a regular basis in

2004-12-07T22:23:00.000-06:00

Today was one of those days best defined as a bubble. Everything was sort of not so bad. I had a few things processed mentally, that felt good to be done and thought away. Tiffany came along and just popped my bubble. I feel foolish for taking on adult responsibilities when apparantly I'm too much a child still. It's hard, and now I can't even afford to buy groceries. If I want food, I have to

2004-11-28T13:39:00.000-06:00

November 26, 2004: "Weightless Redemption" She's on her cross now Merciful martyrdom Brings down her crown of girlhood's kingdom Corona shot through her veins It's a beautiful fog It bellows from her soft lips Those which he desired a kiss If he fails, he'll never dismiss The idea from his notionless mind Not much can survive without Weightless Redemption He is her salvation now Sitting alone

2004-11-24T17:56:00.000-06:00

He hurts me. He doesn't care. And it figures.

2004-11-16T20:07:00.000-06:00

Tired... Finals in two weeks... ...I have distractions swimming in my system.

2004-11-08T13:44:00.000-06:00

November 7, 2004: I don’t know how to be stable. It’s just a fact. When stability comes into play, monotony seems to follow. A monotonous life is…inevitable. So I’d break my own heart to avoid stability. I’d tear down walls to introduce the process of building new ones--to tear down again. I hate cars with bumping music. I hate them because there are too many people with loud sound systems in

2004-10-26T21:12:00.000-05:00

My computer wasn't working for an extensive amount of time. It's such a little asshole computer, but it's better now. (pets computer) *computer hisses* A little PMS, from time to time, but she gets the job done/ I've had such rocky times with Blaine lately. It's been some of the most testy shit, but... fortunately, there exists "but" in these situations... we've endured. Everything's quite

2004-10-12T14:04:00.000-05:00

Perhaps I've been overzealous with the journal posts. I have about an hour to crunch until I have to leave for work. Tomorrow's my only day off from work, which is ironically fortunate... because Blaine's off of school. Talking to people from UNO, I'm having some virgin thoughts. While I may have my history of experiences ranging from the night to the day, I feel suddenly quite old amongst

2004-10-11T11:22:00.000-05:00

Blaine, Sean, and I were in a fog for our weekend nights. It was crazy, but fun as hell. Note: If Sean thinks he can outsmoke me, he's got another thing coming. So I got comfortable and gave it over to him twice. There's Blaine laying around, looking as cuddly as possible, and I get all those loverly goosebumps... the magnetic pull begins. I apologize there's no stopping me once it starts. House

2004-10-08T01:21:00.000-05:00

Today my Dad is 62 years old. ...man, I hate start journal posts and two minutes later, not really wanting to finish it. ...brief... um, today was good. Tomorrow will be better. I hope House of Shock is this weekend, despite the impending rain... The End.

2004-10-06T10:01:00.000-05:00

Alright, this is my Ashley emphasizing my happy plan to get my head on straight. 1. UNO does happen to offer a Bacholer of Arts in Psychology as opposed to a science. This degree does not require the overload of math credits. It turns out that I did not research as well as I could've, but I ended up stressing to an upperclassman. She helped me a lot. I think I'll buy her some early Valentines

Mime's Words

2004-10-05T22:19:00.000-05:00

October 2, 2004: "She's A Bitch" Rock of bye, baby, sleep your last dreams Smoke your crop until you see lucid things Lose knots Scratch and sniff to see A mass of offspring without apathy Murders in daylight Shadow boxers lacking the fight There is Nowhere to go Rapidly travelling to ease Karma's blow October 2, 2004: "Repression" Stars, so mute to me Did you once have voices with ranging

2004-10-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

I'm taking serious consideration into transfering to Our Lady of Holy Cross College on the Westbank, so I can be a pyschology major without a load of math requirements. I'm not taking the Paris Parker job. Simply, I don't want to work for a big corporation. I'm tired of lacking a solid support system/a set of friends to rid me of this fresh loneliness. Sara's coming back in town on Wednesday

2004-10-04T20:13:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to rinse the fake dried up blood from my hair. September 28, 2004: "Pychological Beating" Greasy fingers struggle to get a grip on grace and satisfaction Teary eyes can't see with clarity nor can these lips spread Fear and loathing cannot erase each other without a face Hearing nothing to do and failing to know what's moldable My brain cannot adapt to the damage that has ensued

2004-10-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

I had a daydream that someone told me I should get a better sense of what reality is. I sort of wondered what my reaction would be, and realized that I'd just show them the scars. I'd say, "Reality? I know reality. I know reality so well that I run blindly away from it." Why am I so depressed lately? It's not just mental. It's physical too. I can't get motivated for anything, and my few smiles

2004-09-30T14:52:00.000-05:00

Nostalgic. I find ever since I graduated from high school, I've been suffering from it ever since. I don't know why, but the only connection I can make is with adulthood comes this overwhelming need to be young again. I'm not old, but I miss lazy days at Mount Carmel. I guess, the sting really hit me in the past week and half. It was my birthday on Tuesday. I reminence, finding myself longing

Anna Nicole Smith's "Rosebuds"

2004-09-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

How come I often find myself watching or reading something that seems to be the equivalent to watching a trainwreck that dooms millions of people? That's what happens whenever I read other peoples' journals and realize, there such a thing as the drama queen nation and I am a present member. I also found myself watching Anna Nicole Smith's E! True Hollywood Story. I also saw Kathie Lee Gifford's.

My heart pumps heroine

2004-09-23T16:57:00.000-05:00

California Outdoors. Pinnaepple Trainwreck. White Widow. Orange Dynamite. That's my small list of the pothead world beyond KB and schwag. Perhaps part of me finds a pleasant entry into consuming myself with the zombified state, the walking on clouds feeling, the thoughts that I can feel. Entries into other doorways. If you never partake in the green ritual, you should at least develope a green

2004-09-21T21:50:00.000-05:00

Tiffany's out of town this weekend, so I'm sort of taking advantage. I invited a few friends from school to come over and hang out, since we haven't done really anything outside of the academic environment. So it'll probably be a little over a handful of crazy kids, smoking herb and watching The Transformers (?). I admitted something to myself the other night: an attractiveness to my friend

2004-09-14T02:17:00.000-05:00

Glued to the desk We're forced to sit like Jew dolls to the Nazi brigade Follow the leader, no rebels are Welcome We're in a communist prison With crumbs on our plate and saliva for drink "I'm sorry, Momma, but I deserve this," a tear-stained face, blackened with homosexual rape, breaks. Crack of a lever balloons of foam float from his mouth his sight bleeds his skin melts

2004-09-13T10:53:00.000-05:00

The move is finally over. I skipped psychology class so I can catch up on the sleep I did get all last week from figthing with Blaine and moving out. The fighting's over and the relationships is stronger. The moving is over and now I can begin to adapt to this place. I spent everyday this weekend with Blaine, and we were together as if it was a magnetic instinct. I love being so vulnerable

2004-09-07T22:08:00.000-05:00

I know that my downfall is this struggle to recognize self-worth. If a person tells me that I am a good person, I'm beautiful, and that I am loved, I could deny it in my head and seem accepting of the compliment(s). Truth be told, I used to dub these sayings a lie and tell that person that I'm none of those things. A sad girl is a pathetic thing to befriend. Fear of loneliness drove me silence,

2004-09-07T20:36:00.000-05:00

"Foolish Talk" Comfort can be simple, simple like woven wool and baby fleece Jersey sheets wrap my body, a warmth between my knees A tainted gasp sends me down without release I have no eyes to close tonight And so I am bereft of sleep I have no eyes to cry tonight And so I am deprived of sadness Desert skins shed to bleed, finding something that was never freed Pandora, Pandora, a vault has

2004-09-06T20:06:00.000-05:00

I am the action verb and you are the subject I see with my eyes I feel with my hands I breathe in the air I'd be nothing without something to make me someone when I'm no one, indeed A shot in the dark won't relieve these aching heart strings Pull me down and leave me out I'm scared and I'm scarred What is a religion without sacred gods and sacred lies So lie to me and make yourself real now I

2004-09-05T01:20:00.000-05:00

I hate to say I'm severely depressed, so I'll just label myself obscenely saddened. Stress better defines what's up these days. Wednesday is the official day the movers are taking everything to the apartment. It's a nice apartment. I've never moved before, and it truly is a very unavoidable, annoying process. I've spent a lot of this afternoon, packing and moving what I can. I saw Blaine today

2004-09-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

Well-over eight hours of pure, recognizably artificial, unholy glory has granted me a sudden position of dependence upon a Satan-liked and anger-saturated figure. I've been scared for the past three days, because I've never felt so threatened. To be grateful for a happiness you've begun to tame and become immune to, requires for it to be in danger of pain and death. By death, that does not have

2004-08-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

I made it through the first week. I met a guy in my drama class, and he's so cool. He reminds me Shawn, but much taller and a little quicker. With him came another dude and some punk chick. It's a ragtag bunch. A jazz, classic rock type who wears the old paper boy hats like it's apart of him. A messy prep who uses sense of humor without timing or purpose, truly. An intellectual goth-punk chick,

2004-08-23T19:37:00.000-05:00

It took me 45 minutes to park at school. I got a bad impression of college from it. Some old man brought in shit-saturated pants to the cleaners today. I refused to mark it, so I stored it in the back for Monie to take care of. When I start dealing with human shit, I know it's definitely time for me to quit. August 22, 2004: "My Mother was Blue" Blue was the color of my mother You'd think, but

The School Spot

2004-08-22T18:31:00.000-05:00

I feel better now that my heart was reassured that this relationship is possible. I saw Blaine Friday eventually. Saturday as well. After the 20 minute embrace and the presense of truth in the air, I felt like he had me secured. Friday night at one point, I felt myself inside his arms, enraptured by the feel of his skin, the strength of his hands, the warmth of his breath against my neck, and the

2004-08-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

I haven't had one of those weeks where I woke up every morning, wishing I was dead. I guess this isn't a good sign of a girl that's been out of therapy for about 4-5 months now. However, I know therapy doesn't offer instant cures. Sometimes I wish I could go back, which I can. Then I reflect on how ill-expressed I was in my sessions to begin with. Even with a complete stranger, educated in

2004-08-17T17:05:00.000-05:00

I realized something within myself today as I was at jury duty. I find myself on the verge of desperation and fear when it comes to work and such, because I percieve it as an inconvenience. I associate the tedious and repititious negativity that can make work such a cold place with the rest of my life. I get depressed, because I think that I am average, that I will always have a job as opposed to

2004-08-16T23:27:00.000-05:00

What Type of Villain are You?mutedfaith.com. Great quiz from Vinnie. Fun stuff.

2004-08-16T19:26:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should bury myself under the ground. My job just depresses me. It's like Mount Carmel. I dread and hate it. It makes me something I hate to be. I'm so desperately unhappy. The fact is... I feel desperate and so sad that I can't stop crying this afternoon. I'm so smothered and pin up against a wall. There's a verge of something that just needs to spill. All I want to do is get in

Good Morning

2004-08-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

I saw him the second time, wearing a hat. Today, I'm feeling extra thoughtful. Today's Sunday; the beginning of many academic year Sundays. Perhaps not quite so much for me, but I feel so lonely at the thought of it. Tomorrow, high school begins. A week from tomorrow, college begins. There's a craziness in the air. A rushed feeling, I cannot truly detail, stings my lungs today. This summer was

2004-08-12T15:35:00.000-05:00

...I am officially drained. I traveled downtown to take care of my speeding ticket. So, yes, I actually the Municipal Traffic Court building just fine. However, I knew the interstate was closed for the ride home, so I decided that I knew New Orleans well enough to take the long way back to Kenner. Fuck me with a monkey's wang! I'm got so fucking lost. I have a headache from it. All that matters

2004-08-10T12:14:00.000-05:00

Uhhh, I'm stuttering like I just recieved oral pleasure or something to that effect... I assure the world of perverts and insane mice that it's 'something to that effect.' Ever wake up, trying to wonder how the fuck you got home? Yeah, I find I do that a lot from time to time. Like it's like, "How the fuck? How the fucking, bloody hell did I even get into this bed?" I woke up around 7:30 AM,

2004-08-05T21:34:00.000-05:00

Ahh, tomorrow I am free from the ill-air conditioned, dirty clothes and curry hell that some know as Roser's Fine Drycleaning, but I call "Part-Time Hell." Here's a short, I wrote in work today. There's no skull inside my head All there is, is blood, skin, and mind No wonder I think too much I said short, right? So it's nothing special. Nothing seems to be too special lately. I haven't been

2004-08-04T21:40:00.000-05:00

..second post of the day.. I live in filth. I haven't done my wash in a month and half. Literally, I've been wearing bounced clothes majority of the summer. My room floor cannot be seen. I've now slept so to the point that I have nothing covering my mattress. I have 5 diet coke cans and 2 reguler coke cans, as well as an unknown amount of empty water bottles laying around. There's a dish near my

2004-08-04T17:17:00.000-05:00

Trying to figure out this whole speeding ticket thing. However, it's only been about 9 days, and it has yet to be process on the phone system or the internet system. I hate New Orleans cops. I didn't get the opportunity to speak with Blaine last night. I wasn't really expecting it, since Stephen the Sourpuss took away his computer because I made too much noise with my measely V4 engine Sunday

2004-08-03T18:02:00.000-05:00

August 3, 2004: "Firejob" You smell like burning vomit My hands are sooty And I am smile ridden The energies stack upon stack upon stack And I hate you, fake people And I hate you, masked bastards And I hate you, firejob, Firejob, I hate you ...there's the bloated man in all his glory Gloating his infestivities all over me The energies stack upon stack upon stack Time limits cannot render me a

2004-07-27T16:37:00.001-05:00

...This is all that I have right now as far as poetry is concerned. July 20, 2004: "Baby's First Lesson" Helpless anxieties burnt a blazing trail to nowhere in my view I was scared and I was daunted, frightened beyond rest My eyes were salty dry, tearless from too many tears Scars decorated each emotion that could bleed Sometimes an absent mindedness numbed the pain with dreams

2004-07-22T20:19:00.000-05:00

...I really want to smoke MJ tonight. Hmm, I'm feeling existential. I'm feeling isolated from the embraces that I forgot last night. I want to get loaded and I want to kiss him for what feels like a half an hour. I want to feel his lips so badly. I think those lips could very well bring me back to life and fix the awkward feeling in the pit of my stomach. *sighs* I know I need to be more

2004-07-22T10:10:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep last night. I spent the night, crying with a face slanted against the hard surface of reality and truth. I still cannot stop these eyes from pouring. I hate you, Truth. I hate you, Reality. For making me see that... love is corrupted.

2004-07-21T18:28:00.000-05:00

I am the recycled friend. The End by The Doors This is the end, beautiful friend This is the end, my only friend The end of our elaborate plans The end of everything that stands The end No safety or surprise The end I'll never look into your eyes again Can you picture what will be So limitless and free Desperately in need of some stranger's hand In a desperate land Lost in a

2004-07-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

Silence is the sound of death. While, I heart Jim Morrison in a way that I feel his voice... I love Blaine in the way that pork loves beans.

2004-07-16T11:21:00.000-05:00

Today is Shawn's Birthday. Someone else is 18. July 15, 2004: "Hermit" I cannot be seen today My blemish face is swollen without your grace These thoughts inside my frame and my mind are not normal I cannot be seen today My eyes are red from saddness and a thirst that cannot be quenched You died today Inside my arms, I let you go away It was the natural chemcials that put us in harm's way I

2004-07-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

I'm so feeling 'da weed still. I heart our pipe. We're the best couple. Fucking right, we are. I need to get back to work... so fucking hot outside. Sara's party last night was pretty big.

2004-07-12T13:30:00.000-05:00

Last night was such a nice surprise. Blaine's father got married at the Treasure Chest (near my house). Around 9 or so, Blaine called me and came over... and that was quite good. I liked how in my car, I was noting, "We're such a fun couple." "Yes, we are." (Blaine) "Everyone wishes they were as fun as we are." (I) "Yes, they do." (Blaine) "We're the best couple." (I) "Yes, we are." (

2004-07-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

July 10, 2004: "The Violence In My Head" Wetted scandels cannot be rendered into the light Everything's such a lie that I cannot divide Between Reality and Fake Cries This is a tapestry of sewn needs and dirty bleeds My veins are like worms plastered to the sun-heated cement Like my head, this needs to crack Like my hand, I need a grasp Liar Liar, burning like a mental fire Cannot die tonight,

2004-07-08T17:01:00.000-05:00

She's a flittering thing about to fly beyond to warmer soils. She seeks to implant herself and grow to great heights. Perhaps, once all is abloom, then beauty can subsist. - July 4, 2004 I'm about to purify my skin <-- Shower. I'm editting this post, which means I'm done showering. Tonight, I'm going to relax. I don't have to go into the work until 9:00 in the morning. I'm so happy I get to